Dilemmas of Being a Bipolar Mother

Today was a great day for me.  I was such a proud mommy.  My son started baseball practice.  He was stepping up this year from tee ball to baseball.  It is a big transition.  My son is so much like me.  I see so many of my traits in him.  He is a very shy child and doesn't make friends easily.  If somebody doesn't want to play with him right in that moment, he thinks they don't like him.  He gets upset and sad about it.  He doesn't just "get" things on the first try.  He has to practice, practice, practice.  If something is difficult he gets frustrated and disappointed in himself.  He has been brought to tears many days doing homework because the concept was not getting through to him.  He doesn't recieve criticism well.  He takes it to heart and takes it very personally.  I don't want him to be like his mommy....a quitter.  I will admit, I am a quitter.  When things get tough, I quit.  I also sabotage myself.  If I am doing well at something and I am so close to finishing my goal, I quit.  I am working in this in myself and I don't want my son to start this horrible, terrible habit.  If he doesn't do well at something he get very upset with himself, he feels like a failure.  I am constantly reassuring him.  I have felt like a failure in so many ways, which you will read about if you follow my blog...it will be covered in depth in future postings.  I have a very low self-esteem.  I am his cheerleader, always telling him how well he does and encouraging him to keep trying, to keep fighting. 

All of this being said, to give a little bit of insight given into my child and myself, today was his big day.  It was the first day of practice for my seven year old son.  He stepped on the field to start practice grounding balls and throwing.  This didn't worry me, he is pretty good at fielding the ball.  Next, they head to the batting cage. I start to get anxiety.  The coach lines up all of the children along the side of the batting cage.  His instruction is for all the kids to watch as each child has their turn so they might learn something.  Logan wasn't anxious, he was in line having fun with his friends and excited about his turn.  When he went in for his time up at bat, I think my heart was beating "ninety to nothing".  I was nervous.  "What if he doesn't do well?  What if he gets upset because he did horrible?  What if the other children laugh at him?  What if the coach yells at him?"  I was so afraid he would be disappointed in himself or embarrassed if he didn't do well.  The other kids who were first year baseball players that had just moved up from tee ball hadn't done so well thus far.  He stepped up to that plate, fearless!  He took his stance and then he amazed his daddy, the coach, and his mommy!  He did so awesome.  He didn't miss hardly any balls at all.  He did just fine.

It made me start doing some deep thinking.  Am I sheltering my child?  I was so afraid that he would fail and he did just fine!  Do I let him take enough chances or do I keep his potential at bay because I am afraid he won't succeed or excel?  Am I robbing him of experiences?  All children need to take chances.  They need to fail.  That is part of life.  He needs to learn to deal with it and learn to not be a quitter.  How is he going to do this, if he is babied?  I need to take a step back and let him start figuring things out on his own.  My fear that he will turn out like me is creating the effect I am trying to prevent.  By sheltering him, I am not teaching him to be a fighter (of course not physically, but you know what I mean!) and not afraid to take chances. 

I can let go and let my child have this independence because I do with my youngest son.  I see how strong my husband is.  He is not a quitter and he is a fighter.  He is the person I wish I could be.  He doesn't care what others think of him, he knows who he is, and he stands up for what he believes in.  My youngest son is just like his daddy, even at the age of 5.  I don't worry and fuss over him like I do my oldest.  I know he can handle the occasional failure.  He dusts himself off, deals with it very well, and doesn't let it get to him.  He is a quick learner.  He doesn't have to work very hard to "get things"...they come natural to him.  This is in sports and in education.  He can make friends so easily.  I know you don't know who will become as an adult at age 5, but he knows who he is right now in this moment!  He is a very confident child.  I don't worry about him like I do my oldest! 

I need to have faith that my oldest will be ok and that he is strong enough.  Maybe he doesn't feel confident because I don't give him those chances to shine.  If I think he won't be able to do something, I don't even let him try in order to save him from feeling defeated.  I must make a change, now!  I am projecting my feelings onto him.  I love my son and I want him to have a good life.  I want him to be filling over with confidence and good feelings about himself. 

Bipolar is a hereditary disease.  It runs rampant in my maternal family.  My mother was severely bipolar.  As you know from my previous post, it is not talked about in my family.  I was never told that I may need to seek help for bipolar disorder.  One time in high school I seriously contemplated suicide.  I had everything I could have wanted from my grandparents.  They spent so much money on me, but I felt alone.  I was so afraid of failure that I wanted to kill myself because I just knew I was going to fail a report that was going to be the majority of my grade for the class.  I was that afraid to be a failure.  I ended up making a "B" on the report and an "A" in the class!  Nobody knew this and I have never talked about it until now.  My mother had severe mood swings and I blamed myself.  I was starting to have severe mood swings around my children and I said "NO!"  My children deserve better and so does my husband.  I sought help.  I would not be like the rest of my family and live in denial.  I would get help.  My life is so different now.  It's still a struggle, but I am such a better person now than I was before. 

So, here is my question of the day!  This especially goes out to bipolar moms, but I want comments from all of you. When do you talk to your children about bipolar disease?  Do you wait until they show the classic symptoms?  Do you make a preemptive strike and get them psychological help when they are young?  My fear is that my children will have bipolar disorder and I wish I could take it away from them.  I don't want them to struggle like I have.  I don't want them to have to deal every single day of their life with the complications of bipolar disorder. Any thoughts here are welcome!  That's all for tonight!  Thank you for reading my blog!