The World of the Living!

I am writing this particular post because I am so happy to be feeling better....finally!  I also hope to encourage those who have bipolar disorder to seek help and to not give up.  I have sought help several times in my adult life.  As I have mentioned once or twice before, one of my bad habits is being a quitter.  I went to several different doctors who tried me on what feels like tons of different treatment plans.  I either felt no difference, I felt more tired and fatigued, or I was so anxious that I couldn't make it through the day without screaming somebody's head off or having a panic attack.  I would try a medication, it wouldn't work, I would give up on not only the medication but the doctor as well.  I felt myself getting worse and worse.

I have had some really low points during my bipolar disorder.  I am here to be brutally honest, so here we go.  I have spent a night in jail and almost lost my kids because of my disorder.  I let the mania and depression of my disease run my life.  My husband is the sole provider for our household, but I handled the finances (which was a HORRIBLE idea to give financial responsibility to an untreated bipolar person).  I was not managing our money well.  I was afraid of disappointing my husband or telling me that we didn't have enough money for "this or that".  We were living way beyond our means.  We finally ran out of credit, so I wrote several bad checks.  Of course, I wasn't able to pay them so they were turned over to the district attorney's office.  An investigator knocked on my door and informed me that I was going to jail.  I was home alone with my kids, so I had to call my best friend to come get my kids.  How embarrassing!  That was the most horrible phone call I have ever made, with the exception of having to call my husband at work and tell him.  He had no idea that we had no money and that I had written bad checks.  I was good at covering.  I was so ashamed and disappointed that my kids went through that.  That was not the example I wanted to set for them.  I felt like a complete failure as a mother.  Well, the day I was arrested (thank God he did handcuff me because of the kids and I wasn't a threat) was a holiday.  The courthouse was closed.  I couldn't get out until the full amount of my checks and fees were paid in the District Attorney's office.  In my county, you can't bail out of jail for bad checks...the ENTIRE amount must be paid before you are free to go.  Thank God for my grandparents.  They paid everything for me the very next morning.  That was the worst night of my life.  It was in November and I remember it being so cold.  I felt like all the blood had drained out of my body.  I cried so much.  I didn't eat or drink anything while I was there.  I didn't sleep at all.  I did pray....a lot.  All I could think about was my kids and my husband.  I was so afraid when I got out my husband would be gone.  He wasn't.  He forgave me and he loved me through it all.  I had to have a long, difficult talk with my children.  This all happened back in 2008.

That was still not enough.  I was on and off all sorts of anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, anxiety medication, sleep medication, and even "phenergan" (an anti-nausea medication) because I was sick at my stomach all the time from anxiety and worry.  I contemplated suicide so many times.  I knew in my heart I could never actually do it though.  I could never-ever leave my family like that.  I couldn't do it to them.  Trust me, I thought of all the ways I could though.  I even called myself a coward one time because I couldn't just do it.  I spent nights praying that I would just die, so my family wouldn't hate me....car wreck, cancer, some mysterious disease that would make me just go to sleep and never wake up, shot and killed by some stranger, etc...  I wanted to die, just not by my own doing.  I didn't want to "look bad" and I didn't want my family to hate me for it.  

I reached the point where I felt dead....like a zombie.  For months, I didn't want to even get up.  I literally had to make myself shower.  I know it sounds gross.  I did shower though, I just really didn't want to.  I was embarrassed to smell bad, so I knew it was a necessity.  That was all I did as far as outward appearance went.  I put on deodorant and that was it!  I stopped caring what I looked like.  I didn't fix my hair or wear any make up at all...ever.  I didn't care what I wore or what my clothes looked like...stained, wrinkled, whatever.  There were days I would stay in my pajamas all day long if I didn't have to go anywhere.  I have even been known to take my son to school (didn't have to get out of the car to take him through the drop off and pick up line) in my jammies.  I would take him to school, come home and sit on the couch until my youngest son's naptime, I would nap with him, then we would go get my oldest son from school, I would help him with homework, and then I was done for the day because my husband came home.  I sat on the couch the rest of the evening.  I didn't cook, we ate take out or things that didn't require cooking all the time.  Staples in my kitchen were ravioli, any type of Chef Boyardee, ramen noodles, and sandwich stuff.  I didn't want to go do anything.  I didn't want to go outside.  I wasn't playing with my kids, but I would watch tv with them....that was about it.  I did the bare necessities to survive.  I didn't want to see friends or even talk to them.  

During my deep period of depression, I did develop an addiction....Facebook.  Since I never went anywhere or talked to anybody, I could be whomever I wanted to be on Facebook.  I would write cheerful posts and talk about my kids all the time.  I projected this wonderful mom, loving wife, happy, and cheerful person who was so content with life.  Oh, it worked, people told me all the time what a good person I was.  It did make me feel better that people still thought of me that way, but in reality it was all a lie.  My kids were taken care of...always.  I always loved them and they always had what they needed physically.  However, I wasn't there for them the way I should have been.  They saw a lazy mom who didn't want to do anything with them.  We had no fun together.  I told them all the time that I loved them, but what did I do to really show them?  A low point for me was when my son brought home a book he made in kindergarten.  It was for Mother's Day.  He drew pictures and wrote about his mom.  That page that said, "My mom likes to......." he wrote "sleep".  The page that said, "My mom is good at......." he just left the page blank.  I sat and cried.  I was a shell of a person.  I felt like I was dead inside.  I had no joy...at all.  I wasn't going to church anymore, I wasn't even praying anymore.  I tried to go to church one time, but I felt so hostile against being there the whole time.  I was very bitter.  I began to fear that my husband would leave if things didn't change and that he would take the boys with him.  

Finally, hope!  I decided NO MORE!  I was not going to be a prisoner in my own body held captive by my illness.  I needed my family and I couldn't lose them.  I found a wonderful doctor.  He changed my life.  He is an older doctor and has been in practice for years so he had a good reputation....everybody loved him.  The first time I visited him, he told me at the end of the exam these words:  "I am not here to push anything on anybody, but I tell all my new patients so they know.  I don't want to make you uncomfortable and I will never mention it again if you wish.  I am a firm believer in religion, faith, and God.  I believe everybody needs to have faith in something, everybody needs hope.  Anytime you want me to pray with you before you leave my office, I will say a prayer with you.  I pray for all my patients and you will be in my prayers."  I have never-ever had a visit like that.  I was so thankful and he had my trust from that moment on. 

We did have to try several different medications.  However, I didn't give up this time.  I fought!  I chose to fight for my husband, for my kids, and for myself.  I was not going to continue living that way and I was not going to wake up one day when my kids were grown and realize that I was a terrible mom.  I didn't want to mess up their lives.  I wanted to be there for my kids....really be there for my kids.  I got my emotions back.  I felt the love for my husband again and felt so terrible that I had been such a bad wife to him.  I was not there for him at all.  I didn't take care of him at all.  He did so much for me and put up with so much, but he never once left my side.  I saw his frustration and I knew I pushed him to his limit sometimes, but he never left.  I started wanting to do things with my kids.  I was praying again.  I had faith in God again.  I had a lot of desire in my now and knew the direction I wanted my life to go, but I still wasn't quite there.  I still didn't know where to start.  I still didn't have enough "umph" to do it all.  I knew I was almost there though. 

FINALLY!  My doctor finally found a treatment plan that worked for me.  We had to work for a couple of months to get the dosage right, but finally I feel pretty normal!  I am on a mood stabilizer once daily and I have a prescription for my anxiety attacks as needed.  Since my mood stabilizer is at the right dosage, I don't even take the anxiety medication much anymore.  Most of the time I only take 2-3 per week.  I finally found a good doctor who knew what he was doing and a doctor that I developed trust with.  I trusted that my doctor would help me and that there was a treatment plan that would help me.  It worked.  I have so much energy now.  I still have days that are not so great, but what person, even those with no mental illness, do not have bad days.  I am active with my kids now and we have fun!  Mommy doesn't just sit on her rear saying "no" all the time.  We go outside, we go to the park, they go on playdates with my friends' children, we sit and read books together, we play games together, and we have fun!  I feel like my husband is my husband again, not just some guy living in my house taking care of my kids.  We have our romance back and I am doing things to take care of him.  I am making his lunch, getting his clothes ready for work where all he has to do is grab it and put it on, and making sure he has all he needs to get off to work in the mornings. We going out to do things HE wants to do like taking the family to the river to fish and going camping.  I make him dinner.  I even make him a plate and bring it to him!  I take care of myself for him.  I don't wear make-up every single day, but I make an effort to look nice for him.  When we go out in public, I especially try to look presentable.  I have my family back and my life back!  I am overall, generally happy now!  Not just on Facebook, but in real life. 

I have one more goal I want to work toward.  My bipolar disorder and refusal to treat it properly has cost me many jobs.  I have had approximately 15 jobs in a 10 years.  The longest lasted a year and a half.  The shortest lasted only 2 weeks.  My average for holding a job was about 3-6 months.  I have went to school and dropped out so many times.  Somehow I managed to get an Associate's Degree.  I ruined my college record and financial aid in my attempts at a Bachelor's Degree.  I "blew" all of my chances at the only four year university that is near and that I would be able to attend.  I am "academically bankrupt".  I have been looking for a job, but it is very difficult.  I don't have a lot of experience, a terrible job history, and bad credit.  Not to mention it's hard for well qualified people to find a job in this economy!  I am praying for a job opportunity so I can rebuild my ability to go into the workforce and help contribute to my family's income. 

It's been a very long and hard road, but I feel like I am on the right path now.  My message is that no matter what you are going through, whether it be mental illness or anything else....there is hope!  You can't ever give up!  No matter what your darkest low is, you can come back from it.  I am far from perfect and I still have a long journey ahead of me.  I'm not disillusioned that things will be easy for the rest of my life.  I know I will have to live with and deal with my bipolar disorder for the rest of my life, but with my family by my side and the Good Lord on my side....I can do anything!  I want to leave you with this statement from my doctor.  "Your diagnosis doesn't define you as a person.  You are still you!  You are not crazy and you are not in a place where you can't be helped.  You have a disease, the same as somebody with diabetes or high blood pressure.  This does not change who you are as a person and with the proper medication you can be an even better you!"